Coming outjennac | 08.02.2017 | Reports - Getting Real
To the house Mistresses and anyone else who may get to read this report, sissy jenna must first apologize since she did not know where to place this essay (and i must admit that i have never been comfortable with s.he as it reinforced certain behaviors in myself that were mentally unhealthy, but i shall get to that part in a minute if i may).
First despite being born male, it never felt right to me, like a cruel joke singling me out among my peers. I grew up mostly hiding the side of me i wished i could be and which cis women took for granted. Growing up in a mostly rural county of Michigan less than an hour south of ann arbor, i found myself conforming to societal standards of manliness, though it always felt like a suit tailored for someone else, i did my best to wear it so my parents wouldn’t have to deal with the freak child they had brought into this world. (I know that to be the wrong way to think but thats what i did anyway!)
In the years that followed as i grew up i realized being a man was not for me. But what could a teenager do to change it? Then we got the Internet in 1995 or 96 (yeah we were THAT rural), it was slow dial up but it finally let me search for answers beyond the local library stuck somewhere in the mid 1800’s!!
It was then that i learned the terms Transgendered and Gender Dysphoric Disorder (what a mouthful!).
It was then that my whole life clicked! That was me! But fear kept me running the lie i had lived so long already. What’s that saying? When running a scam stick to the lie all the way? Something like that right?
Anyway after high school i went to work, dated girls and so on. But that bit of knowledge always stuck with me. One day i even sought out a therapist, one specialized for people like me. She was based in ann arbor, and having talked to her over the phone we set up a meeting attempt on a saturday. Having printed out the directions (this being before smart phone gps, and standard gps units were out of my price range then.) i drove there to find her office. This was never a hard “had to be there by such n such time” meeting we had come to the agreement that if i wasnt there by 1 pm then she was free to do whatever (i got out on saturdays at noon). I never found the place and took it as a sign i was not to continue this quest (was i wrong there!)
A few years later i was married to a terrible person, and at the end of 10 years together and just before our 7th anniversary she left me broken and destroyed. It resulted in me having a terrible mental breakdown, and being taken by police not once but twice to a nearby hospital for psychiatric evaluations. The second time also resulted in police charges and a 10 day stint in my local jail (with painted toenails i might add!).
After that i again persued therapy for now a number of reasons, which also included my transgender issues. But eventually my ability to cover the service failed and i was dropped from therapy (luckily i had a decent therapist who reported to the courts that i was fine so i didnt have to worry about going back to jail!).
Again i tried to be manly, but failed. Then 2 weeks ago i decided i was done failing in my quest. I found a transgender therapist with an office just 3 blocks from my apartment, and did my first intake session with her.
Then last week, on tuesday, i took what should have been just a simple 30 minute nap. But it turned into a 3 hour long nightmare!
Over the years the stress of the male/female dichotomy in my brain came to a head. And i had a nightmare about failing one last time and losing all hope, at the end of my nightmare i killed myself, and awoke with a frightening omen, that if i continued this struggle alone that it would end up killing me someday.
I sat up all night tuesday, agonizing on using facebook to comeout to friends and family once and for all! And just after midnight wednesday morning i did just that! Of course the 3 or 4 friends who already knew posted their support almost immediately!! But it would be hours before anyone else would see it. And see it they did, and each offered either a heart warming comment, or some form of positive notion for me!!
And with that i gained freedom, for the first time in my life i was no longer burdened with the weight i had always carried! While i expected a few harsh comments or perhaps some unfriending me on FB, i never got a single harsh comment (lucky for them my friends n family would have torn them to shreds i think!), i was unfriended by my former step son. But that was a relationship as toxic as the one i shared with his mother anyway so not a real loss.
And so Mistresses you can see why i had to forgo the standard Etiquette on this report, if there is a punishment i must endure then it must be done, but i felt i had to write this so that others may find the strength to also come out, for their own piece of mind.
Humbly your servant sissy jenna. *curtsy*