Since last Aunt Flo visit many open moments from before have become much more clearer.
The consequences of following training from The House brought the results. There was literary an breaking point in life of this sissy after which that creature sleeked help. The House firmly provided reality, true and tested environment, borders and directions. Exactly what that sissy might have hoped for. It was perfect.
So, since last visit of Aunt Flo at one point during few minutes, as that mud was washing away from windscreen, that sissy got in perspective of seeing trough h.er everyday sissy desire and probably partly touched fundamental source or starting point for it. In some way s.he come back to a state of perceiving the world s.he was in 30 or more years ago. Certain closeness with present moment, thoughts and feelings as they are coming along. When every emotion and tough that s.he was aware of, as it was coming, was coming (was perceived) one at the time and was kind of pure feeling and its strength. Without burden of perceived “knowledge”, of mud of experience and desire. s.he happened to came out of the hole and deception of h.er own impatience and shallowness. Entanglement in passion. Conditionality of desire.
Totally irrelevant moment for Anyone or anything but trough several days it appeared as a touch of peace for that little disgusting sissy creature.
At that time it was possible to recognize that when this sissy is aroused (boring but root moment which is why it is mentioned) and can be fulfilled trough submission and servitude. Have problems to stand hair on h.er body, enjoys high heels and dressing. But not in a away of dependence – further attaching to it. Kind of believing in it as that it carries relief. It now was going and coming to certain point carried by joy and inner drive after what there is humble awareness of life. Of scantiness of that sissy desire. s.he came to terms with lust.
After that mental and physical sissy predisposition, recognizing to extent where they start and end, came to its place. Up until now fetishistic attachment was driving this sissy. It was not possible to see it and so it is not entirely true but that sissy was playing game. Was small in h.er consciousness. And there is no doubt s.he still is laughable and little.
In forty years of life there have been several opportunities for good servitude of this sissy and s.he missed them all. Years are gathering and h.er very small country is getting worse. Chances are slim. There is enough sissy moments which would in some conditions allow h.er to live as Someone follower and servant but it is unlikely that s.he could be condemned with such life in long run. Wouldn’t make h.er be compassionate more or able to ease Someone sorrow or help Anyone on some deeper level which s.he maybe might be able to recognize in the moment of life.
That is assumption to extent. But such belief is backed trough belief in what s.he considers as ultimate and essential values in life. Still and finally, it is nothing new that life can assemble itself in unimaginable way and create possibility. There is a chance that whole this new horizon might change in the future.
This quite surprising arrival of Aunt Flo was great opportunity to test that sissy. s.he was doing h.er final assignment report and obligation to do and this one changed how everything had to be written.
On first day that sissy had to go to dentist in the middle of the day, 5 PM. It was part of series of visits and complicated work on several tooth that started yet in the last Aunt Flo visit. Tooth were now in fragile state and after lots of thinking it seemed as better not to postpone this visit today. Before the dentist this sissy got tangled in obligations longer than s.he wanted. After it s.he tried to dive in intimacy of girlishness. There was a lots of doubts about h.er state, current moment and also resistance.
In the same time s.he was aware of how every Aunt Flo visit is great and rare opportunity. So, s.he ended up being worried and detached for the most of time. Deep but on the surface. After dentist that sissy was for nothing for few hours and when body partly calmed down, tried to again dive in girlish time at home but it didn’t work out as obstacles from before now were accompanied by distance of whole day which was exhausting and amazing roller-coaster of strong emotions.
s.he managed to cause such smile to two Woman as s.he didn’t see in many years for sure. Back to diving in girlishness – that sissy was observing confusion and resistance of doing this assignment. On psychical level s.he did got cramps and felt sick. Was very emotional and fragile. Around midnight got whipped out by tiredness and went sleeping kind of early.
Tomorrow s.he had to go to dentist again but this time early in the morning. As s.he woke up before 5 AM plenty of things happened before and that sissy was able to pass trough it all in a good way, connected to a moment.
Today dentist didn’t last so long and it also was not so difficult to difficult to pass through as before. After some time s.he dived in daily obligations.
Elements of period were going smoothly. s.he was detached, there was no moment when s.he got lost in girlishness, s.he was just recognizing pleasant moment of girlishness.
Had resistance toward tampons. Than while observing that resistance and laziness for facing and enduring pain, for the first time in life in such way, gentle emotion, something s.he used to perceive as girlishness or part of it, emerged parallel with emotion of resistance, as that new emotion, almost entity, smoothly slide of the back of that resistance consciousness, stepped in front and offered to hug whole that situation with expected anguish from “tampon”. It was state in which that anguish was kind of part of it, a duty?, but in the same time anguish was sort of immediately dissolved, not allowed to be perceived as anguish. It was normal and state was just positivism, almost as some unconditional love. So that sissy took tampon trough that emotion, hugged it.
It took quite a few of them to get synchronized with body rhythm. Pain and struggle, every day state of mind required or better to say the one this sissy had, was able to have, over time pushed away that girlishness.
On Third day it was finally a chance to dedicate everything to being a sissy and stay at home. Face all that new perspective and get more in touch with current conditionality of that sissy. s.he undertook serious effort to look and feel girlish. It took maybe few hours of careful, slow effort before s.he was completely in and could dominantly “be” that girlishness. s.he become horny and witnessed as that arousal and desire is coming from within and strive to get to the surface, in to the shape of body, into and trough skin where it needed to communicate with the world.
Here was the biggest need and emotion, that was the way. Amazing rush. It was like big fire that was dissolving in sense of touch, urge of the body surface, of body presentation.
The strong Female perspective, inner rhythm of soaps was very hard to pass trough, to mold in. That sissy felt that in previous periods but this time it was the strongest.
At one moment s.he saw rising of that sissy girlishness and how it could not pass further due to the incompatibility and than resistance of h.er average “Male” consciousness. Beliefs and attention, will on some level. Key moment here is that it was just brief moment and clash. It did not happen, or at that time could not be perceived as so, during “Male” state in which “suddenly” girlishness arise. They were interchanging and touching each other fast. It was not possible for this sissy to register such moment before with – such clarity. Connection to h.er insignificant being.
Latter trough the period and after it, there have been more and more such moments of being aware of girlish consciousness rising, taking over or taking initiative. It is not just thought or feeling. It is more complex and rounded expression of will and consciousness.
There was a lot of struggle on third day but at the end it confirmed what that sissy presumed to find in h.erself. That sissy was more detached from girlishness but in the same time when girlishness was present, s.he was more (girlish) h.erself than ever. Pure clean and without any doubts. Just as in h.er everyday “Male” consciousness. It was intense and it was new. However it was still open. Things will certainly have to change more and they might change drastically.
As prescribed s.he has eaten a cake with fruits. At once and until there was no place in her tummy.
Last three days were reflection of that third day. With similar sensations and difficulties. Circumstances were such that it was not possible to sleep during the nights which made everything little blurred but the discipline of assignment was kept on satisfactory level.
That sissy is not sure what will be happening from now on. To extent it seems as that sissy doesn’t have (doesn’t have to have) inner drive, doesn’t need to do anything. That s.he reached enough contact with h.erself not to be disturbed by girlish moments, eruptions of girlish passion or to feel in abyss around such stream. There is still that described fire on the surface of that sissy body and although s.he can be one with it any further development on any level will require further facing of that conditionality.
As this awakening happened s.he noticed with new strength, depth and clarity an evil momentum in h.erself. s.he was born with it but trough years and all the violence, filth and relative injustice s.he received from people it got a new agile shape. s.he is thirsty, willing and more than humbly capable to enforce evil to others. To often there is no free space in h.er and s.he hunts it.
Hopefully there will be enough freedom to dissolve and that before circumstances of the world encircle h.er in situation of one-way, dark road. Doom and chance are in the fact that time is ticking. Good morning life.