Alarm clock ringed in 5AM. There was 20 minutes to get ready and begin daily “beauty” ritual.
Number of real Peasants is shrinking rapidly. On local market each One of Them have small circle of customers and some are friends. Those Sellers – Peasants, are mostly Woman. This sissy always admires how strong They are and how Their eyes shine after lifetime of very hard living conditions and brutal work. They talk little differently than what s.he is used to and s.he doesn’t understand always what They say. To One of Them s.he helped to sell a cow few months ago. Trough internet which She doesn’t have.
Few days earlier s.he said something to Seller about h.er Friend, also Seller’s Customer. What s.he said left space to be partly misleading, (miss)understood as not entirely positive. That possibility s.he noticed only day after and although it wasn’t a big thing s.he felt it needed to be corrected. Intention was clear but not and exactly what s.he will say.
Sellers are standing side by side in a row, in such way that unless They have Customer it is inevitably to hear what O/other talk and They do like to listen. As this sissy started to correct misunderstanding, at one point s.he used the word, said first thing s.he associates sea with – swimming. Like: “Friend – Customer is on sea but She doesn’t swim, She works as much as She can.” Weather is to cold for swimming and at least four of Sellers were very vocal and have found it quite funny that this sissy even had a thought about such ridiculous possibility. All while being proud-spirited how They recognized those words from a “city boy” as ridiculous.
It was short little but humiliating situation. h.er pride or its resemblance appeared but it was “limp” and turbid and it very quickly dissolved in fluidly providing more material for Their joy and although it is a sentence or two it was probably the best solution and offering to Superiors in that moment. Recognition and acceptance was on the spot and attention moved on.
While coming home from the market, as this sissy was unlocking the doors to h.er building a Neighbor was going out and W/we meet at the door. She was going to buy a bread and She loves specific kind of bread made in specific way. Those usually and with certain luck can be found in the morning, this time of the day, in one particular shop. She has seen many summers and Her hair is shiny white. Wise Woman, a true model/teacher of patience and love with the most beautiful soul. This sissy bought one bread that She maybe might like, it certainly wasn’t perfect (wrong type) but if She had bad day and Her legs were hurting maybe She might have taken him. It was beginning of busy day in cold weather, brightness of Her smile appeared and in time of few short polite sentences it was hard to make good decision. To offer Her that bread or maybe bother Her and take time. And just like that, that possibility was gone. In one moment of this interaction this sissy had kind of laziness and restfulness in h.erself. “Oh s.he has to hurry, bread is deep in the bag, there is good chance, Lady might not like the bread and this sissy would waste Her time here.” No matter what could have been the best thing and path to follow in that situation, problem is that moment of “self” protecting “laziness”, stiffness of the consciousness. It is obstacle to service to Superiors, of humbly reading what They might want and than being what They want – complete giving that is in the same time and ultimate fulfillment for a sissy. Time when “because” and “why” are as one. Long time ago this sissy has felt that state and recognized peace of being (such) one as familiar to h.er. It took some time but after recognition and acceptance of what h.er being consists of s.he is consciously embracing that state, a servitude, as it is developed further.
Latter in the day after the market, s.he recognized that in the moment of going for “Friend – Customer is on sea but She doesn’t swim, She works as much as She can.” sentence, s.he was aware that it might not have been the best choice of words for those Superiors but s.he embraced those words because s.he was to rough, lazy and self centered. h.er being was as in some kind of confused mist. That mist wasn’t and is not pleasant in any way. It is actually terrible. Although that state is familiar to h.er since birth now s.he recognizes it and knows how to at least try to move away from “Male pants” in h.er mind. Grateful is small word for what s.he feels for the guidance from The House.
To develop and come closer to what is given to this sissy s.he backs on consistent mental focus along the way and testing trough service. Also on dedicated sessions of meditations where s.he relives those “dirtiness”, observe them in order to weaken them and get detached from them and finally, see trough them. Became free of it. Became the servitude. For that, s.he also has found very helpful and significant to read Assignment Reports with connection and desire to understand difficulties from another angle.
Aside of that “self” protecting “laziness” there is and moment of “Male” shaped attitude (side). The answer to that is in clean developing of passive, emotional, self effacing, giving, reliant, obedient, soft and smooth qualities of h.er character. Behavior. And in the same time to weaken, disconnect and dissolve aggressive, stoic, self centered, demanding, in – charge, commanding, hard, rough – qualities of h.er character. Behavior.
Building a character based on those qualities over time frees space in this sissy to recognize what s.he could offer to Superiors in the moment. Also s.he humbly recognizes how the way something is given can be half of the giving itself. Not to mention how timing is important. Furthermore even if there is nothing happening and s.he is sitting in silence in the room with Superior, the way “how” s.he sits (there is nothing unknown ideally) carries certain energy on which Superior might chose to develop some action, to take or spin some energy. So keeping up appearances and awareness about it (mental state) is crucial in sissy path or so this sissy might believe. sissy Walk and sissy Nails assignment might be all about it. It is always, always open line and way of “communication” with Mistress or Master.
s.he watchfully observe h.er pride and inner obstacles in humiliating situations and when it is appropriate enforces them in order to grow trough them. It is intense as dives in those pools of feelings (“dirtiness”) does open a lot of space that can be spotted and improved.
Lately s.he started to dream those “dirtiness” and their dissolving (it happened several times). s.he gave up buying fast and furious motorcycle which was h.er long lasting and deep desire. Now, first time with that money in the pocket, s.he was literary able to see and observe, be detached from whole that “motorcycle” part of h.er and lean on concuss part of h.er (humbly) soft girlish side in recognition that is better to pass by motorcycle and its roots (attached desires). It of course didn’t include full freedom from it but even as recognition, it meant noticeable step among small steps of “self’ -development. There might be few other examples of development but this is one. What might be important is observation and wakefulness in every moment not to fall back to “old Male” style of responding to the world – (resolving the situations) in life. At least on mental level it can be lived trough with girlish qualities and style. With inner peace.
Additionally to that “not to fall back to “old Male” style of responding to the world” effort, is question of choosing (responding) on the level of good and not necessarily evil but certainly bad. Sometimes such choice is possible (needed) and this sissy is trying not be selfish in mental involvement of being girlish. That good and bad moment might in some way enclose the circle of servitude (life) and conditionality (circumstances) of this sissy in this world. Being happy is not the final goal.
s.he thrives not to miss any opportunities to serve Superiors in everyday life. That service is mostly all over the place due to current amount of obligation and (decisive) state of h.er job. But what probably counts the most is how clean and proficient s.he is un(able) to serve in time when s.he does. That is mainly where h.er humble focus is kept currently. It should change in reachable future.
Recently s.he gave a legal ownership over part of one house to Relative that h.er Sister blindly loves. Sister thought that Relative has right on it but that was not true and this sissy warned h.er sister about it and organized that Relative gets that ownership. Although s.he is doubtless that that Relative is horrible doom for whole F/family and will cause problems. s.he did it only because s.he knew that is what h.er Sister would like.
For becoming better servant in variety of practical ways. s.he regularly visits (and invisibly serve) one Woman that is willing to teach this sissy about cocking. It is going well but might not be the best solution since it is all based on very healthy food that is hard to find trough normal channels. Dishes that this sissy cooks for h.erself are not proficient enough for company let alone for Superiors. There is certainly lot of space to improve.
Cleanliness and order of house is part of h.er normal discipline. s.he cleans h.er apartment regularly and also regularly visits h.er Mother where s.he washes the heavier dishes and also cleans the house, work in the garden and does whatever needs to be done for household to work. And h.er Mother have very high standards for it. It is great. That is currently h.er most consistent and dedicated service. s.he is doing mental effort to recognize and wake up (more) that one girlish moment, touch to cleanliness. Where this sissy recognizes how for example floor, without dust but shiny and clean with nicely arranged carpet is much more beautiful which is exciting and needed. To recognize and see cleaning as a source of, crucial word – girlish, pride. There are certain links in that domestic spark to influence – meaning, which nails have to this sissy.
From time to time s.he have honor to give a massage to Superiors. Although s.he observed several kind of professional massages and picked few moments here and there h.er skill is basic but efficient enough to provide a smile sometimes. Sometimes in everyday life it is hard to recognize how solemn (gratitude) those moments of massage are. There is certainly lot of space for improvement.
For being hostess and outer physical qualities s.he Works on improving general appearance – working out every day for 45 minute or more (for to many years to be proud about it), wears very tight laced corset 23/7 for last 6 or more months. Takes care of h.er skin. Keeps h.er nails in order. Observe, read and talk to Woman in order to learn (and serve better). Works on mannerism and voice whenever it is possible. s.he is trying to keep walking skill in shape. To stretch every day. s.he keeps in mind poses, curtsying and some other more or less social norms required for serving such as properly placing the cutlery on the table and so on. Mannerism and especially voice will have to get much more intense in the near future.
h.er experiences and knowledge of cunnilingus is humbly never good enough and must be improved. s.he recently started working on it trough assignment from the House. For fellatio it is much simpler and s.he keeps h.er stamina in shape same as deep throating skills. Recently s.he had a breakthrough in fellatio, in state of servitude toward it.
Not to get to deep in other assignment but it was situation where s.he recognized it as h.er duty and big honor to welcome Him in h.er mouth. As a solemn moment and smile for all the work on h.er appearance. Girlish – proudly acceptance of being a worthy shape to provide h.er duty. Here is small video of deep throating stiff dildo.
In presenting h.erself in a proper way biggest problem is sitting. s.he unquestionably fails it miserably. Although s.he worked on it since being honored to join The House, results are very humble. s.he is stretching and practicing it but resistance is heavy. h.er legs have tendency to stay spread and can stand together only trough heavy work of muscles. However s.he did find at least some kind of way in which it is possible to sit in Lady like manner, not for very long but every bit counts. Picture of it is attached. With sitting, s.he finds the anchor in recognition of femininity in what shape body takes when sitting properly. Although humble, that narrowing from hips to knees is present and can be felt. It is comparable to moments which steel boned corset can provide.
Standing skills might be fine, s.he observed and studied what is good and what is not. For walking s.he managed this summer to take control of 6″ shoes s.he couldn’t stand in before. In 5 inches s.he walked long and short distances, fast and slow, on bumpy and smooth terrain, making turns, stepping over, up and down steps. It is hard to maintain top level of that skill but s.he absolutely feels it as beautiful ecstatic act. During this summer s.he had moments where every step felt as that some awakening energy was coming in h.er body trough feet. At one point of training s.he forgot how to walk in old way.
That confusion was present for few days and now s.he successfully can change nature of walking when needed. A problem for some other report probably.
Kneeling graciously is sometimes hard, depending how are h.er ankles that day. Especially in corset. In one of h.er previously submitted assignments reports s.he added video that had moment of kneeling and it was terrible. s.he practiced it latter and still does from time to time. Here is video on kneeling.
With demeanor this sissy might not have very big problems in presence of Mistress/Master. To talk, chew gum, smoke, laugh, bite nails or in other ways fidget in a presence of Superior, to h.er sound completely awkward, out of place and focus. s.he humbly don’t talk much in every day life, didn’t chew gum for decades, never smoked and stopped nail biting many years ago when h.er teeth were crashed last time and new ones couldn’t make a proper bit on nails. now s.he is working on keeping nails presentable at all times. Laughing shod be enough under control before Superiors but fidgeting while sitting might be the real problem for the reasons of stiff joints and strange muscles. s.he is stretching for only 2 months now, it still might get better.
This sissy still has Male underwear but can’t remember when s.he was wearing it the last time. Wearing male underwear would feel rough and kinky now. Today s.he wears silky pink panties with blue lace.
All physical and psychic accomplishments to be acceptable sissy servant now are a resource for Superior’s inspiration and pleasure. As very intense part of servitude this is crucial time for a sissy to be able to properly receive energy from Superior. Feel, perceive and offer. Be extension.