the servitude of helenhelencoyote | 09.19.2017 | Assignments - Place and Worship
Dear Madame Stewart and House Superiors,
This sissy finds that when practicing the mental aspects of Servitude, she has experienced some responses from others that are reinforcing. s.he was careful to walk to the check out counter at a store with feminine steps. s.he was delighted and surprised when the clerk called he.r sweetie. s.he approached the ladies’ rumba class trying he.r best to present as poised with good posture but passive, soft, obedient and reliant, and s.he was delighted to be allowed to join.
s.he has been pussyfooting around he.r Superior, but it is harder, and s.he must acknowledge that s.he is failing. s.he leaves panties in the laundry hamper or stockings on the floor. s.he is no longer covering he.r shaved skin in bed. He.r Superior has noticed and has said She would have married a hairless man if She wanted that, but understands Her husband’s desires. She has asked sissy to make love to Her more than has been our pattern in the last several years, and sissy has done well to bring Her to orgasm. She has touched sissy’s hairless body with definite lust and interest, and this has been a blessing to sissy. sissy is hoping that he.r inner mind can stay focused on servitude, and this will create pleasure for he.r Superior, who will respond favorably and reinforce sissy’s inner mind.
sissy does struggle with servitude. sissy has trouble with total annihilation of thoughts, feelings and desires. s.he loves the thoughts of servitude, but s.he knows that s.he is hoping for a reward, or s.he is hoping to be touched a certain way or treated a certain way or have he.r Superior respond in a certain way based on he.r servitude, and so he.r own desires and thoughts and feelings get in the way of he.r focus on he.r Superior. s.he fights this and has to constantly remind he.rself or shoo thoughts away. s.he craves punishment and humiliation and domination of a sexual nature, and this may help he.r in he.r becoming, but now the thoughts come as hindrances to a focus on he.r Superior. s.he struggles that the only thing s.he can control is he.r behavior and thoughts, and s.he has to trust that s.he will find contentment and satisfaction there, without depending on any specific outcome. s.he is finding the isolation of focusing on servitude without having a responding Superior to be a challenge, and s.he has been prone to uncertainty and doubting/irresolute mental states recently, but s.he is finding joy at the same time in he.r practice and knows s.he has just started. As thinking too much leads this sissy to doubt and depression, s.he is thankful to the lessons of the Zen of Servitude to take the time to learn and teach herself how to be a better servant. Learning to cook well has been a recent project. he.r Superior is intent on keeping Her blood pressure down without medication, so sissy has learned vegan meal preparation and cooks three times per week. sissy falls short so much, but s.he is trying to do better at service tasks.
sissy does find that paying attention to posture and movement when sitting, standing, kneeling, walking and talking are very helpful to the psyche, too. s.he has noticed recently as s.he sits at events with he.r legs closed that in fact, women sit with their legs closed by and large and men do not. Men separate their knees while seated and stand with their legs apart, and Women keep their knees together and stand with Their feet together. sissy feels more included and connected to Women the more she pays attention and notices how They move and hold Themselves. sissy has taken a few chances to practice walking with a book on he.r head in he.r 5” heels. sissy has such strong erotic feelings when s.he does this. s.he has thought of he.rself more and more in terms of being desirable to men, which of course is ridiculous except in dream world, though sissy is slim and in good shape from dancing, so there may be a man out there who would not find he.r completely useless as a love object. s.he knows that is not a helpful line of thought, and s.he just needs to focus on servitude. s.he loves going in the locker room now with he.r swimming partner and using that as time for he.r inner psyche to be as girlish as possible, and then when s.he is alone, she dreams like Cinderella might. s.he practices being passive, emotional, self-effacing, giving, reliant, obedient, soft and smooth. thankfully, many of these qualities are consistent with sissy’s male qualities. sissy has been femme a very long time, the more s.he thinks about it. however, s.he can be aggressive and sarcastic and has a quick mind and mouth, and s.he is greedy and has strong desires and wishes from others, and these things s.he needs to annihilate.
sissy loves he.r panties. One day s.he is going to be a complete lady, but for now, s.he is a panty-wearing, butt-plugging slut. sissy finds having the House mandates help he.r to feel under the control of a Superior. sissy pictures he.rself a panty clad little sissy under the control of the House and this motivates and excites he.r much of the time, and when emotions turn, and s.he feels how low he.r position is compared to Women, the panties eroticize the shame and make it tolerable by connecting the dysphoria to he.r submissive sexual wishes.
sissy loves walking practice. s.he has been much more aware of he.r buttocks as a sexual object, and s.he dreams of teasing and using he.r buttocks sexually and has had increasing focus on he.r anus and rectum as he.r areas of arousal. The House’s question as to he.r “drawing subtle attention to your panty covered bottom” has worked as an exquisite tease upon he.r.
sissy loves mass now as she uses the church service to practice kneeling and praying to Jesus for mercy and for help with serving he.r Superior. Jesus has been feminized in art, and sissy thinks S.he might have been he.r biggest lifetime role model as a sissy.
This sissy is grateful to the House for saying that Sitting it a posture that you must perfect, as it is something that s.he can do all day long and helps he.r with he.r psyche. s.he loves the intelligence and thoughtfulness of the House telling he.r to smooth he.r skirt. s.he is dressed as a man almost all the time, so does not wear skirts, but s.he loves the focus of detail and the forward looking nature of the House’s comments, and whatever s.he is wearing, s.he always smooths her skirt. This playfulness and humor on the part of the House sissy loves; it makes he.r feel more connected and recognized by the House and included in Their playfulness. It is a blessing to sissy.
This sissy craves punishment. Maybe after a weekend or an hour under the physical control of a strict Superior s.he would change he.r mind, but s.he has to force he.rself to stop thinking of a physically aggressive Superior because he.r fantasies prevent he.r from focusing on he.r Superior’s mindset and needs. sissy has felt punishment from the House and Madame Stewart, and s.he hopes that s.he made proper use of it. This sissy gets impulsive and needy, and Madame Stewart and the House have had occasion to ignore he.r neediness. This has been painful to sissy as s.he recognizes he.r greediness and wish to be seen as special; but it has created distress and pain for he.r that s.he knows s.he deserves and needs to learn from.
Sissy has been intent on studying the behaviors of Women and how They dress and move and interact with others. s.he works in female majority settings (mental hospitals), and s.he has opportunities to show Women appreciation and deference. s.he is trying to work at understanding Women and anticipating Their needs and wishes more.
This sissy asks herself the questions of redemption every day. s.he has had more consistent success as presenting as a sissy servant, though in he.r mind s.he is doing it in secret. s.he knows that keeping secrets generally does not last and that over time everyone will “know” on some level who s.he is. This sissy is becoming more comfortable with that.
Yours, in reverence and submission,